Day 121 - Game Over In an attempt to find new imaginative ways to secure funding for the procurement or Harley-Davidsons. Throcmorton and I hitchhiked out to California (that's why there was no blog last week) to play Fear Factor to win some moola. We both managed to eat the tapeworm, fluke, and pig snout sausage for the first contest, but Throc didn't make it through the next challenge where we had to diffuse a time bomb with just our toes and a set of nail clippers. Luckily I have very nimble toes, and unfortunately Throc doesn't have nimble toes, or toes for that matter, now. So it was just down to me.

They took me out to a little bistro in Venice beach. The sun was shinning there was a light breeze drifting in from the ocean. Joe Grogan who hosts the show comes up to me and they start filming. "OK Jo (Nice name by the way)", he says "You ate a gross of sausages made from live tapeworms, flukes and pig snouts. You diffused the bomb that mangled your friends lower extremities, but this will be the toughest challenge yet." Then Joe holds up something that looks like a cross between a rifle scope and a security camera. Then he tells me, "This is an Apple iTracker XP2000 ocular movement tracking system. It will be trained on your eyes, and will indicated where you are looking at every second, how long you are looking, how often your are blinking. You can't fool it Jo. We'll know exactly where your eyes are unless you turn your head more than 50 degrees to the left or right". So far I'm thinking no big whup, right? Then he says, "Your challenge is to sit with a beautiful young woman, have lunch while discussing 18th century french literature and never breaking eye contact with her for more than 1.25 seconds. Now remember, the iTracker will be watching your eyes at all times. If your eyes linger in the wrong place (you know) for too long or you look away you loose the money and won't be able to get your Harley. Are you up for it man? It'll be tough." I knew it would be tough, but I thought could handle it so I said, "Yeah bring it ON!" Now things get graphic. I'm warning you that there is some material of an mature nature coming up. Next he turns me around to see an attractive young mother sitting down at the table and with one of her girls out nursing a baby. The clock starts, I manage to say something about Alexander Dumas, and the bell rings. I didn't even make it 1.5 seconds. Joe says he's sorry. I didn't get the cash. I didn't get a Harley. All I got was the home edition of Fear Factor. Apparently Alexander Dumas is 19th century french literature not 18th century. So I lost the contest right away.

Hitch hiking home was extra tough on Throc on account of he had no toes. But we sold that stupid game on eBay for $5.
Not too shabby.

Day 107 - Running out of gas Well, it's been quite a week in Hell's Creek my hometown. Donations are down. In fact while trying to collect donations outside a hockey game I got beat up (what's new?) and 'lost' the seed money I had in the jar. This means that technicaly donations are in the negative numbers. Ad revenue is slowing own quite a bit too. Part of that is my fault because I haven't been keeping up with updates like I should, but that doesn't explain all of it. So I signed up to attend a convention in Washington D.C. for Harley owner wanna-be's called the Future Riders Of Harleys Group (F.R.O.H.G). We spent nearly an entire Saturday discussing how to get money out of people in various ways to further our aims of Harley Ownership. Near the end the keynote speaker Mr. A (Mr. T's little brother) got up and said,

"I pity you tools. Your pathetic and a little stupid. For the money you spent on airfare, lodging, and admittance you'd be half way to owning a Sportster at the very least. Now everybody form a line. I gotta dope slap each and everyone of you!"
At that point 89 people (the whole conference) simulatneously slapped their foreheads and yelled, "DOH!" like Homer Simpson in a mass epiphany. Can you say 'epiphany'? I though you could.
I think we all came home a little sadder and a little wiser. At least I know I did.
Well that's the news from Hell's Creek just down the road from Hell proper. Where the men need jobs, the women need dentures, the kids are kind of ugly. See you next week and keep those donations coming.

Day 99 - Missed out target! Well it was a cold day in Hell. Usually that means something unusual happened, and getting $1000 donation would be unusual, so I was crossing my fingers, but nothing happened. In fact we missed our revenue target for November by a shy $3. Maybe we'll do better this month since Hell is due to actually freeze over. Throc and I will have to go to the Dam Site Inn and try and drum up some support.

Viewing our web site logs I noticed that although page hits are up unique visitors are down, our busiest days are Monday, the busiest time of day is between 10am and 2pm, and more and more Australians are veiwing our site. Which means; You guys need to tell more of your friends about this site, I have to get the site updated every weekend before Monday. A lot a people are checking out our site who should be working, and I'll have to add an Australian character to the comic strip. Since the strip needs a femme fatale anyway I thought I'd make her an Aussie. And because I love cliches I think I'll name her Sheila or Betty. I'm leaning toward Betty because I know a Sheila who might think I'm refering to her, and I had a thing for Mrs. Rubble when I was a kid. Let us know what you think.

Day 92 - It's gettin' Chilly Autumn finally arrived albeit a bit late, and motorcycle riding season will end for most of us. There are always those people who will ride up until there is snow, but for most of us here the end is near. For those of me who still DON'T HAVE A HARLEY the end is already here. But as the color of the leaves change and the foilage gently falls to earth, and leaf blowers blow out minds turn wistfully towards ice, snow, fake sick days and snowmobiles. Hmmmm I wonder if anyone owns the web address www.BuyMeAPolaris.com? Nahhhhh. One project at a time. See you next week or whenever.

Day 84 - Slow Week Not much happened after the moped gang found me and beat me up. Luckily they only broke a finger and a leg instead of my ass, (which is so important since sitting on it all day is critical to my job).
We're still on track to hit our 50% growth rate for the month, but it will be close. I am thinking about resorting to a SPAM campaign. If I'm low enough to beg on line it ain't to much lower to sink to start SPAMing friends and family. So get the word out and our hits up or ELSE!
Some of you may have noticed some.... 'interesting' ads showing up in the Google ad bar. We have no direct control over what shows up. They appear based on keywords found by the Googelputer in our page content, and well, any page that mentions 'motorcycles', 'hot chicks', 'sausage', and 'Throcmorton' is bound to come up with some unexpected results. But don't worry, no one here or any where will know that you are seeing, and probably cliciking, on those links.
I'd also like to thank Thayrone of the Bone Conduction Music Show for mentioning us on his radio show. I did actually hear it, but I'm sure he did while I was in the can or paying the pizza delivery guy. If he didn't, well, he has a chance to correct it this week.

Day 77 - Scary Look into the future There I am lying in the freezing cold, because the weekend before had been in the 70s so I hadn't bothered to start the furnace. My wife was gone for the weekend on business. In her absence I had taken advanatage of the opportunity to eat, unrestrained, tons of Johnsonville brats with saurkraut, a couple saks of White Castle's and more bottles beer than I can count with my shoes on. Normally I don't do this because of the ensuing flatulance (you might be a redneck if you don't know that means farting). As I said I was freezing, my stomach was aching, so was my head, the room smelled horrible, and something was blowing against the window outside. I got up to see what it was and all of a sudden the window sash flew up and in flew something that looked like a semi opaque figure that was a cross between Marlon Brando and Freddy Krueger. He raised a boney hand and pointed to me and said, "I'm the ghost of Sturgis future. If you don't get yourself a Harley by next summer this.... will be your fate!" And then he cast into my mind this mental image,

A MOPED GANG

Then he lift a cigarette and a lighter to his mouth. I yelled, "Noooooo", but it was too late. Luckily th explosion only singed off my eyebrows and all the paint in the room, which I am now scrapping and repainting. But that was no where near as bad as the awful vision of that moped gang. Hits on the web page were down last week. Please spread the word and get more people to come, or else Throcmorton and I will sufer a fate worse than death.

Day 70 I think it's official After a third attempt at begging for money in the streets, this time during the State University vs University of State football game it became pretty clear that real world panhandeling doesn't work. People just don't seem to get it. Most seem to just walk on by avoiding any chance of making eye contact. Of course it just occured to me that maybe, just maybe, Throcmorton's physical appearance intimidates the masses. I don't think I'd walk over and give him my change if didn't already know him for the lovable homocidal teddy-bear that he is. I'd stand out there and panhandel except that it is more likely that people would come over and take all the cash I had on me. Then I wouldn't be able to buy any Hershey's Chocolate Milk for lunch. Luckily online panhandeling does seem to work. So if this entry has touched you in any small way, go to the home page and hit the Pay Pal button.

Day 69 I say WELCOME to our international friends! Checking our site log I see that we have had several international visitors!

Let us know where you're from.

Day 65 I'm Worrking On It! We have no lack of ideas for the update, but just not enough time to get them done. I promise to have a page for bikes up next week, a new comic strip, an update to the chicks page. and answers to some love/hate mail and questions to Throc, and if I have tom left, I'll invent a way to make pigs fly. Good news though. We are currently increasing our revenue by %50 each month. If we can continue that growth through the end of or fiscal year we project earnings at about $5000. Maybe we should be wwww.BuyMeAUsedHarley.com

Day 63 NEW IMPROVED BLOG! Now the blog reads top down. I've put the most recent entries at the top so you can read them without scrolling down past all the crap you've already seen. And if your new to the site you should know that the afore-mentioned crap is really, really, uhhhh worth reading. I'll be doing the same with the questions page.

Day 56 Home Sick Fixed some problems with the blog. read some letters. we're getting more and more Nigerian e-mail scams all of the time. I know Throcmorton went out this weekend with the sign to gather donations during the 'U' football game. Out 101,000 people he may have actually got something. I'll find out tommorow. Check out the comic strip I'm starting.

Day 49 TRIPLE DIGITS! We have now collected/earned over $100. We never honestly thought we'd get into triple digits. So as the progress bar on the home page shows we can afford a Schwinn Stingray. Too bad both of us exceed it's weight maximum. But at this rate we might actually get enough money to buy a full size adult bicycle, a pack of playing cards, and some clothes pins to stick them on to the front fork and make that cool motorcycle sound. Woo Hoo!

Day 43 Well That Was a Bust Dennysson on Sportster Well that didn't go over as well as I hoped. Throcmorton and I went over to the Harley-Davidson open house with our sign and donation can and well... I just don't think people got the joke. We got a lot of what the hell looks. Me Faking a WheelieThe dealership had some pictures of us taken in front of their sign. Everyone we did talk thought our little campaign was funny after Throc had a chance to talk to them, but not many people were interested in talking, but I think a lot of people went to the website after seeing the sign. Our hits on the page for the weekend was way up and so was the ad revenue. Most importantly though I did get to take my first ride on a Harley. I took a Sportster out for a couple miles.

Hildersteed and Harley SignDay 42 The Movement is Gaining Momentum Haven't gotten around to doing anything on the website but make new mastheads. We've been invited to the local Harley-Davidson dealership to participate in their open house. We will be making up business cards, t-shirts, and cut-out figures of ourselves to take along and have a little fun. We've got a pledge from one of the hotties at work who'll give us $20 if we don't make at least a thousand at the open house. Either way that means that we will break $100 by next Monday! I called her a hottie to make her blush if she reads this.

Day 37 Baaad Daaay I'm driving to a trade show in Chicago. I won't bore you with all of the piddly stuff that happened all day long, but the iceing on the cake was that I rear ended a car near Gary, Indiana. There was no point in pretending it wasn't my fault. I was paying too much attention to my Jimmy Buffet tape and the McDonald's Quarter Pounder. So I stop (Duh!) and so does the guy I ran into (Duhh Duhh!) and I get out. So does he and he turns out to be a dwarf. He comes up to me really (mad) and tells me, "I am not happy". I ask him, "We'll which one are you, Grumpy?" Then it got ugly. I didn't take into account the fact that he probably has had to deal with this kind of crap before, and the proximity of his fist to my fambly jools. Lesson learned.

Day 35 Ask and ye might recieve Over the next few days I will be adding a new feature to the web site. Users will be able to post questions to Throcmorton P. Hildersteed about any and everything that you could see in a PG-13 Movie and then some. It has not been decided by the Board of Director if said question will be answered while sober or not. Either way it promises to be an exciting adventure.

Day 34 Lawsuit Avoindance Court Someone I know was deeply offended after reading my blog. Even though I quite clearly state below that this blog is a work of fiction and that most of this stuff is made up they thought that one of my character resembled them a little too closely. To that end I have decided to change the name of Craig to Bill. That way no one can confuse any one I really know whose name may or may not ryhme with 'Craig' with my character 'Bill'.

Day 26 I don’t want a pickle I just want to ride on my Harley-Davidson. Well it ain’t the best song I ever wrote, but it comes from the heart, and I stole it any way. Sorry Arlo.

Day 25 Where have I been all this week? No time to work on site or blog next week. It’s the county fair. Five nights of demolition derbies, figure 8 races, tractor pulls, and puking on greasy fair food. See ya next week.

Day 24 You want to WHAT? The Board of Director (Throcmorton P Hildersteed) has suggested that we run a contest to generate interest in the site. He wants to find the BuyMeAHarley.com Chick. Three problems with that idea (see day 20). Might do it anyway. Hey Honey? What if we call her the BMAH Motorized Dual Inline Wheel Vehicular Woman? That’s politically correct and non-offensive. Isn’t it?

Day 23 In my basement far far away…. Redesigned masthead to make site a tad more professional looking. Added blog. Figure the more content we have the more repeat visits.

Day 22. The struggle continues…. We’re getting so many helpful suggestions for the website, but not very much cash. The latest suggestion is to use Berlitz to translate the page into foreign languages so all of those people with extra money in China, Mexico, Russia, France and Canada cand send us money too. How do you say Harley-Davidson in Chinese and what so they speak in Canada?

Day 21 Milestone reached! We now have enough money to buy an Empire Big Wheel. At his rate we will be able to buy a Schwinn Sting Ray before the end of the decade.

Day 20 only 350 years to go until I buy that bike (at this rate) Added letters page. Sure we only have 3, but it’s a start. Hildersteed thinks we should have a page where cycle chicks showing everyone their tatters. TWO PROBLEMS, no THREE, My Wife, My web host provider, and the Google Ad cops.

Day 17 Running out of stupid stuff to say after Day whatever. Got first fan mail. Some chick down south said she liked our site and sent a photo. Hmmm that gives me an idea.

Day 16 of the imperious march toward Harley ownership! Ad revenue is down. I didn’t know it, but someone put our link on the Cartalk page. And while it was high in the list we were getting a lot of hits. But as our link fell down the list the traffic has fallen off too. Plan to revamp the site and send link to more sites.

Day 15 of the all too real Buy Me A Harley spectacle. Can’t belive it!. Some guy in Minnesota has copped our idea. He’s got some sob story about his ex-wife and needing a motorcycle. Boo-Hoo. Who doesn’t have an ex-wife? Well actually I don’t, but T. P. Hildersteed has three. The ONLY thing lower than two losers begging for donations to buy a Harley is some other loser who steals the idea. Not only did he steal our idea he copped some of my code. It’s pretty obvious. I also checked the date on his domain name registration. Ours was July 26 and his was Aug 4. Case closed!

Day 14 Still no Harley, but closer. Got our first big PayPal donation. $50 from someone we don’t even know. THIS COULD ACTUALLY WORK! We tell Craig just to rub it in. He asks to join out little enterprise. Throcmorton gives him a wedgie.

Day 13 Got our first fan (hate?) mail from some guy in Oregon offering to let us have all his empty Budweiser cans. He’d obviously already had too many.

Day 10 of our shamelessly attempt to panhandle our way into a Harley. New website design. Still have a long way to go. Removed Harley-Davidson Logo to avoid potential lawsuits.

Day 7 Took a photo with my Fuji Digital Camera of Throc with a begger sign. Collected $2 by accident while we were doing it.

Day 6 of my evil plan. Craig drove his Honda Accord to work today. His bike had two flat Dunlap tires. Hmm wonder how that happened? Got another wedgie for looking suspicious. At his rate I’ll need to get underwear for Christmas too. I had to give Craig a ride home. Throcmorton let the air out of his car’s Firestone Tires. Waited to see if Craig would try to yank his briefs up. It didn’t happen. Not sure he wears any. Eeew,I wish I hadn’t painted that mental picture.

Day 5 of my (our) panhandling career. Built a simple page with Google Ads and a PayPal button. Got $3 from guys in the pressroom who own (but will not let me ride) Harleys. Got a wedgie from a guy (Craig) in I.S. who rides a rice burner.

Day 2 of the Buy Me a Harley odyssey. Throcmorton and I become partners. Counting the money he’s already collected and the cost of the BlueHost website and buying the domain we are already about $12 in the hole. We’re off to a great start.

Day 1 of the slow grinding unlikely-to-succeed journey towards having a Harlynism. (Hedonism with a large motorcycle) Bought the domain www.BuyMeA Harley.com at GoDaddy.com. The wheel’s are now in motion. What’s up with that GoDaddy guy Bob anyway?

Day 15415 of my pathetic used car life. Saw Hildersteed begging for a Harley again. He was up to $17.13 and ten pop cans. If he’s going to make this work he’s going to have to think bigger. After work I had a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and started thinking…

Day 15414 without feeling the throbbing power of…. Saw Throcmorton P. Hildersteed standing at Exit 23 with a sign asking for money to buy a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. I didn’t give him any money, but I did give him a ride to work. We were late.

Day 15413 without a Fatboy. As I pulled my Ford F-150 up to the stop sign on Exit-23 I saw a guy begging for change. I’ve seen him there every dry day this year. He had a new sign. It said he wanted beer money. I gave him 5$ for his sheer honesty. I told Throcmorton about later when I picked him up for work.

Day 15,410 without a Harley. I thought this year my wife would finally get me a Harley for my birthday. She didn’t. So I expressed my true feelings like I see in all those chick flicks she likes. I’m sleeping on the couch now (albeit in new Hane’s Men’s Briefs).